About the Fellowship
Dear Prudence,
I'm in my early 30s and the married mother of two young children. I have a good job, and my husband and I get along well. My problem lies within myself. I suffer from something I can only describe as "self-loathing." It started as a teenager (with cutting my arms, drinking, smoking, running with the wrong people). Now I try to keep it all neatly tucked away in my psyche. I've been to therapists and take antidepressants, but this lingering self-hate always surfaces. My symptoms cause me to withdraw, hit myself with hangers, and say and think the most horrible thoughts about myself. Even with my accomplishments, I don't think much of myself. I'm not suicidal, but I frequently entertain thoughts of cutting my arms and legs or having someone else beat me until I'm black and blue, as though I deserve punishment for being who I am. I compare myself to others nonstop and sometimes withdraw for days if I meet someone I envy. It's awful! In addition to antidepressants, I've resorted to taking the painkiller Tramadol daily, as it tends to lift my mood and help with these feelings of inadequacy. I do not want to pass this on to my kids, whom I love more than anything. Why in the world won't this stop?
—Wish I Liked Myself
Dear Wish,
Through some combination of genes and upbringing, you were given this painful thought disorder. And look at how remarkably you've dealt with it. You have a happy marriage, a good career, and a loving relationship with your children. Many people who were handed easy-going genes and happy childhoods have not been able to pull off that trifecta. Also impressive is your self-insight and ability to convey what it feels like to be overtaken by these terrible thoughts. It sounds as if you know you should be proud of where you have come in life, but that is not much help when demons descend. You say you've been to therapists, but it is essential that you have the right kind of therapy. One pitfall to some therapies is that they lead to rumination about the sources of one's troubles–a major drawback if a patient's primary symptom is destructive, ruminative thoughts. So look into dialectical behavior therapy. It seeks to relieve patients' suffering, in particular those prone to self-injury, by leading them to both accept and change themselves. Also check out The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself From Chronic Unhappiness. Depression may not be your primary problem, but this book and CD will give you techniques to shortcut your thought process when you feel like your brain has started chewing evil cud. Although you are dealing with a sense of self-hatred harsher than most, be assured that you are not alone. In The Happiness Hypothesis psychologist Jonathan Haidt writes that the development of human self-awareness endowed us with "a personal tormenter. ... We all now live amid a whirlpool of inner chatter, much of which is negative." Finally, you must talk to your physician and therapist about your use of Tramadol. It is a painkiller with some possible psychiatric uses. But you don't want to be your own psychopharmacologist; that's the road to more long-term pain.
—Prudie
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